ripped by antsh
This is a 1952 VW Bug in azure blue.
It has a four-cylinder, 25-horsepower engine.
It's called a split-window...
...because the rear window was made in two pieces to save money.
And if like me, you feel that true humility is always in short supply...
...this is the car for you.
-This is Larry speaking. -Hey, man.
-Hey. -Wanna do something?
-Absolutely. -Really? You free?
-Yeah, I can be free. -Wanna grab a quick coffee?
Let's get some coffee.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee.
Today my guest is Larry David.
Larry and I have been friends for 30 years and we did a TV series in the '90s.
What the hell, man?
I always loved this car.
-Really? -Always.
You excited?
I wouldn't say I'm excited, but I'm looking forward to it.
My mother used to say to me once a week:
"Larry, why can't you get excited about something?
You're never excited. Nothing excites you.
We're going to the Irvington Hotel in New Jersey.
They have ice skating there." "No, I'm not excited."
You know one of your great theories? Each generation gets better-looking.
-Yes, yes. -Yeah, that's really good observance...
...and original thinking.
It's a miracle we ever got any work done...
...because nobody can waste time like you and me.
-Well-- -Just waste it.
-It is a miracle, I agree. -It's a miracle.
One of the things that the comedian mindset requires...
-...is laziness. -Absolutely.
-You don't wanna do real work. -No, no.
I always wanted the show to get canceled so I didn't have to work.
How about this experience? You're having a different experience.
I am having a different experience, that's for sure.
The thing about this car, everybody said you can't get in an accident with it.
-I'll avoid that. -Everybody in college had this car.
Yeah, yeah.
But how about that view down to the road? That's what I love.
-You see the road so well. -You really do.
I don't like the-- I don't like driving a stick.
That was very Jewish.
Well, I'm Jewish.
And you know what? I could be described as very Jewish.
-I gotta turn on the wipers. Watch this. -Yeah.
-Holy cow. -Isn't that hilarious?
You have no interest in driving, like, a '52 Hudson or something like that?
No, too big. I like cars that feel like toys.
-I was looking to buy one. -Really?
-Yeah. -When was this?
-This is, like, five years ago. -Five years ago.
I knew it was five years ago.
-It's always five years ago. -Always five years ago.
The lunch at a normal, American restaurant is very problematic for me.
-Piece of fish? Salad? -I don't like to have hot foods for lunch.
-Yeah, a salad, but-- -Yeah.
-There's not much in the salad. -What do you love?
-For lunch? -Yeah.
I'll usually have a salad for lunch.
But then I have a protein shake.
And where do you get that?
In a store.
Yeah.
The answer was equally as stupid as the question.
I don't understand that there's nothing you can eat.
People are disturbed by it.
My ex-wife hated it. That's one of the reasons our marriage ended.
-She couldn't take the way you eat? -Because I stopped drinking coffee.
-Right. -She hated it. I said, "What do you care?"
-I had tea in the cup. -Yeah.
She said, "We can't share coffee in the morning."
I said, "But there's something in my cup.
You can't see into my cup. I'm still sipping, there's still steam coming out of it."
-Right. I know. -What's the difference?
I ordered soup the other day, somebody said, "That's all you're gonna get?"
What the hell do you care?
Okay, I wanna stop in front of this car here.
This is a Bugatti. That's a B car.
A "B" would drive that car. And, you know, VW makes Bugattis.
So these two cars were made by the same company at different times.
By the way, this Bugatti has 10 radiators, my car doesn't have any.
How is that progress?
All right, let's go eat.
But look at the turn signal.
-Holy mackerel! -It's called a semaphore.
I thought a semaphore was some grammatical notation.
-That's a semicolon. -I'm gonna look that up.
You just made the distance that was acceptable for me to hold that door.
Thank you.
-I would like a cup of coffee. -I'll have an herbal tea.
Do you remember those bowls of cereal I used to eat?
-Still do that? -No.
When did this happen?
-Five years ago? -This is years ago.
See, look. I've got it in a cup. You don't know what it is.
-Well, bully for you. -So if this is tea rather than coffee...
...a person should find that so disturbing?
I'm sorry that you're not gonna like what I'm about to say...
...but I'm afraid your wife has a bit of a point.
-Really? -Yes.
There's a point? Look, I can talk just as well holding this cup...
...as coffee. What's the difference?
-You wanna know the difference? -I do.
We go to an ice cream shop, I get a cone.
And you get a salad.
That's the difference.
You go, "What? I'm eating, you're eating."
It's the mood.
Who can say what creates mood? Mood is a thing that's just there.
Only reason we know it's there is we feel it.
You're giving me a scientific argument that I can't combat.
-What's funny about that? -I don't know.
What is the situation that you're in...
...where you start eating things that you would not normally eat?
I'll be at a dinner party, okay?
They're serving, let's say, chicken, okay?
-Ordinarily I won't eat chicken. -What the hell is wrong with chicken?
It's a lot of cholesterol.
-Chicken? -Yeah.
If it's not free-range, a lot wrong with it.
How much do you think chickens enjoy that range?
You think they're going out there, like a palomino--?
A lot more than that little cage where they're ******** on each other.
-A little scary. -It's not a range.
Monument Valley, John Wayne.
They're not out on the range, you know, just....
"What do you say we head out onto the range?"
-You're looking at it-- -Yeah.
-That kind of range. -Yeah.
-"Home on the Range," that range. -Yeah.
Most people would say, dietarily...
-...you're a master. -I'm not a master.
-No? -No. I have snacking problems.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
-Give me the circumstances-- -When do I go off?
When you go off. Give me Larry David in the debauched--
The debauched--
-Jesus. -Why do you love that word?
-I don't know. -It's a funny word.
What's that guy's name? The Penthouse guy?
-Bob Guccione. -It's a Bob Guccione word.
"You know, a lot of people think there's just debauchery going...."
A real spit-take is not often. You don't get that often, right?
-Five years since I've seen one. -Yeah.
So when am I gonna let my guard down, when am I gonna eat like a human?
-When do you go out of control? -Out of control is two pieces of pizza?
-Right. -Never two.
-Never two? -No.
I'll have six if I want. When I decide to go, when I pull that pin...
...and I throw that grenade--
Me out of control, it's half a bag of raw cashews.
Oh, boy.
A buttermilk short stack here.
-You want any of this? Look how beautiful. -All right, I'll taste it.
I cannot wait to see the look on your face when you eat this pancake.
Here, put a little syrup on there. This is gonna be great. I can't wait for this.
Oh, am I excited now. Larry David is gonna eat a pancake.
I can't believe this is how people live, that people do this all the time.
Yes.
But don't you think once it cools off, it loses its allure?
The pancake? Don't you think the heat is, like, a big part of it?
-Yeah. -I'm kind of intrigued by that.
Heat doesn't have any flavor.
-It's inviting. -Why? What does it do?
It warms you.
That's very Kramer-ish. "It's good, Jerry.
Heat, it warms you."
When I think back on the show, you would pitch me some premise...
...some insane, absurd thing and I would just go, "Okay."
-Right. Yeah. -And you would just crack up.
-Okay, yeah. -Something I wouldn't tell another soul.
And now we're gonna do it on TV.
You'd have a cigar after lunch, remember?
-Right in the office. -Yes.
And you would offer sage advice.
You seemed like, "Yes, come, my child.
I've got this all figured out."
Anything you say with a cigar just sounds so much better.
It imbues you with knowledge.
What is it about it?
There's something contemplative about it.
-Why not a cigarette? -A cigarette isn't contemplative.
It's not that:
A cigarette is that:
-Right. -It's anxiety.
There's anxiety associated with it.
-You know what I mean? -Right.
Whereas the cigar is relaxing. And when you relax...
...you're open to more thoughts.
You have time to think.
A cigar takes time.
-A cigar takes time. -That's the key to it.
That's the whole key.
Someone smoking a cigar is in no hurry.
-Absolutely, you're in no hurry at all. -Right.
-Whereas the cigarette smoker, rushed. -Yeah.
Gotta get out, you know.
-But a cigarette takes some time. -Yes, I know, but....
A cigarette is just, it's just-- It's not something you're enjoying.
Right. You continue to have one of the finest minds I've ever met.
From you, I take that as a great compliment.
From day one, "This guy's got some head on him."
That cigar-cigarette thing, I love that.
Here's an analysis of something by two idiots...
...that no one else is doing.
You have finally done the show about nothing.
-You wanna throw it in here? -Yeah.
-I'll open it. -No, you don't have to.
I like to open a Dumpster.
What kind of underwear do you wear?
I'm still briefs.
-Really? -Yep.
-Briefs over 60. -Yes. I couldn't make the transition.
Now they have a thing called the boxer brief, which is what I wear.
-Yeah? -Which is a brief but has a little leg to it.
And it's very nice when that's all you-- Around the house, you know.
You feel comfortable going from the bedroom...
...to the kitchen in the boxer brief.
-Whereas you may not-- -Oh, no, I--
-Do you parade at all? -No, you cannot parade with briefs.
Yeah.
Does it say on the box? Is there a "parade" with a line through it?
"Do not parade."
-"Caution. -"Caution."
-Parading is not recommended--" -"In this garment."